March 5-11, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

Giving God a bad name
Last week was apparently Freak Week in the Colorado Senate. First, Sen. Scott Renfroe, R-Evanglism, quoted at length from the Bible, using verses from Genesis and Leviticus to argue that lawmakers should fail a bill that would grant benefits to same-sex partners in Colorado. During his sermon he equated the Trinity — Father, Son and Holy Spirit — with the structure of the human family — “husband/father, wife/mother and children” — pointing out that woman was created to be a suitable “helper” to man and that both were placed together on the earth by God for procreation.

He went on to equate being gay with murder and to intimate that homosexuality is, or ought to be, a capital crime.

“When we create laws that go against what we are supposed to stand for biblically, we are allowing sin to go forward treated by government as something that is legal,” he said near the end of his senatorial sermon.

Apparently Renfroe hasn’t read all of Leviticus — perhaps he’s only focused on the titillating sexual parts — because the clothes he wore that day insulted God by containing mixed fibers and thus, according to the Bible, also merit death. After all, one cannot pick and choose which verses of the Bible one obeys, right, Renfroe, you stupid dick?

Then, when it seemed things in the State Senate couldn’t possibly get any freakier, Sen. David Schultheis, R-Inquisition, argued against a bill that would encourage pregnant women to get tested for HIV/AIDS on the grounds that it would enable women to get away with being promiscuous.

When interviewed by the Rocky Mountain News about his appalling comments, he said, “What I’m hoping is that, yes, a person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that.”

So… Schultheis believes that innocent unborn babies and newborns should be infected with a terrible, often fatal, disease in order to punish their mothers for the crime of having extramarital sex. No doubt, that’s exactly what Jesus would want, too.

Apparently, Schultheis doesn’t understand that HIV can be transmitted in ways that don’t involve sex. Or that one of the fastest growing HIV-positive populations is heterosexual, monogamous women who contracted the disease from unfaithful husbands. Or that being born with HIV means a lifetime of suffering and of taking expensive, toxic medications — the cost of which is often picked up by taxpayers. But, judging from his interview with the Rocky, it’s easy to assume that there are a lot of things Schultheis doesn’t know. Like how to pull his head out of his medieval ass and when to shut the fuck up.

For a couple of self-professed Christians, Renfroe and Schultheis sure spew a lot of hatred. If they can’t find allies in the State Senate, they might want to try the Taliban.

Flying the coop
A female long-haul truck driver from Louisiana was recently accused of trading two children in her care for $175 in cash and a pet cockatoo.

As the story goes, Donna Greenwell was strolling along one day, minding her own business, when she spotted a flier posted on a barn door advertising the sale of a cockatoo for $1,500 by Paul and Brandy Romero. Greenwell consequently called the Romeros and, as is common amongst folks in the South, began to chat with these perfect strangers about their personal lives. Amongst other things, Greenwell learned that the Romeros had been attempting to conceive a child together for several years, but had been unsuccessful. They wanted their home to be filled with the pitter-patter of little feet, not the squawk of belligerent birds.

As fortune would have it, Greenwell had two children in her possession, a 5-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. They had been bequeathed to her by their mother, who had fallen on hard times and asked Greenwell to baby-sit the babes for a month.

“One month turned into two months,” said Detective Keith Dupre of the Evangeline Parish Sheriff’s Office. “And two months led to a year.”

When Greenwell learned of the Romeros predicament, she offered to sell the children to them for $2,000. The Romeros explained that they were not the type of people who had a few thousand dollars hiding in the couch cushions; therefore, a compromise was reached.

“Ms. Greenwell agreed to make an even trade,” said Detective Dupre. “The bird for the kids.”

And that was that. Or so they thought.

The next day, Greenwell showed up at the Romeros’ door asking for $175, which Greenwell said she needed for adoption fees, although she didn’t have the authority to put the children up for adoption. The Romeros were skeptical but agreed to make this one-time payment.

The authorities soon caught wind of the fowl affair. They apprehended the adults involved and took the children into custody. It turned out that Greenwell had an arrest record as long as a condor’s wingspan, including charges of kidnapping, assault and theft.

Police are requesting information from anyone who might know if Greenwall has sold other children.

There is no information available on the whereabouts of the cockatoo.
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