February 26-March 4, firstname.lastname@example.orgBe a better cop
OK. This guy’s got problems. Clearly.
Joshua D. Kay is a 30-year-old man serving an eight-month jail sentence for three misdemeanors. He got there by turning on flashing red lights and a siren on his personal car in an attempt to stop a speeder. The problem? Well, for one, he wasn’t a cop. Two, the dude he was trying to pull over was. The off-duty police officer pulled over for the easiest arrest of his life. And Kay, instead of writing a ticket (?!?), ended up in jail.
We’re not sure what Kay’s motivation was — maybe he just really hates speeders — but it does seem that he has some bigger issues here. That becomes clear when you learn that while in jail for impersonating an officer, among other things, Kay told other inmates that he’s actually a sheriff’s deputy, working undercover to investigate other deputies. Way to blow your cover, dude. We would suggest that if he wants to be a cop so bad, maybe he should try to be a real one, instead of just playing pretend. But it occurs to us that maybe he’s already tried and been rejected because he’d probably be the worst cop EVER. Between pulling over cops and discussing his “undercover” status with known criminals, there’s no way he would last a day on the force.
Now, if he would only learn to do illegal searches, bribe and extort, beat up black people and plant evidence, he might have a fighting chance. We got ripped off!
There’s no doubt that Colorado helped to get President Obama elected in this recent historical election. We campaigned like mad. We invited Obama and the whole crazy Democratic crew to have their national convention in the Mile High City. We put up with 19-year-old protestors on our road-blocked streets, mass traffic in our cities, tear gas from our own police and Fran Drescher at our Broncos stadium. And in the end, our purple state voted blue. Bright blue.
So when Obama showed up in Denver on Feb. 17 with his massive stimulus package, we thought we’d get a little love. Instead, according to an analysis by the Rocky Mountain News, Colorado is ranked 49th in terms of statewide federal aid and tax relief. The only state to beat us out to the bottom is… (drumroll)… Utah!
Yes, the land of Mormon O Plenty is receiving the least amount of cash in terms of per capita spending. But the winner of this stimulus bill is… (another drumroll, please)… Russia! …No, wait! We mean, Alaska! Alaska will be receiving the equivalent of
$2,619 per resident versus Colorado’s $1,597 per resident.
And while on the one hand we can look at our low ranking as a positive — the less we need, the better off we are probably faring compared with other states — we can’t help but feel a little resentment. Come on, Obama. Alaska? We give you the DNC and they give you a woman who almost single-handedly destroyed your campaign with a series of gosh darnits, you betchas and epic tales of moose field-dressing. And don’t give us that “at least you’re not Utah” excuse. Even though they’re coming in dead last, they can still get married to, like, 20 different people over there, which is a major tax break.
So don’t come crying to us when your stimulus package goes flaccid, Obama. We’re not going to be your fluffer next time. Panty raid
Recently, a young man who was wanted by the Army for desertion was arrested in Boulder. After receiving an anonymous tip, police discovered the suspect attempting to flee from an apartment building on 29th Street. Initially, he resisted arrest, but he soon calmed down when the police threatened to Taser him.
The suspect was taken to the Boulder County Jail, where officers discovered that he was wearing a woman’s thong under his boxer shorts, and he had three pairs of panties in his pocket. The officers inquired where he obtained the undergarments, but the suspect refused to answer.
While this story may seem extraordinary to some, we’re actually sort of surprised that this type of thing doesn’t happen more often. You take a bunch of sexually charged young men, remove them from mainstream society, give them large guns, cut off their hair, yell homophobic phrases at them, and then tell them to kill other human beings… well, some of them are bound to freak out a little bit.
We’re fairly certain this isn’t the first dude in law enforcement to dress in women’s clothing (cough J. Edgar Hoover cough-cough). What’s more concerning is the fact that there are young men out there who are so desperate to get out of the military that they are going AWOL and raiding their girlfriend’s panty drawers. Here’s an idea: let the crazy bastard out of the Army. Because, if you don’t, he’s going to go Mai Lai on someone’s ass.
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