February 19-25, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

Phelps should move to Boulder
You’ve got to pity Michael Phelps. Sure, he’s got more gold medals than there are days of the week. But he’s also got some shitty friends. The dude went to a party, took a couple of bong hits and had the misfortune of being photographed by a so-called friend.

The friend sold the photos to a British tabloid, and Phelps found himself being kicked around in the press by people who feel that he should live like a saint because he’s an Olympic champion.

Since when did winning gold medals mean the public owns you?

It’s time Phelps moved away from those no-good, traitorous friends of his and came to the People’s Republic. Here are 10 reasons he should move to our city:

10. You stay higher longer at altitude. (OK, so maybe that’s an urban myth.)

9. No one here eats Kellogg’s. We prefer classier fare like pizza and burritos to curb those post-ganja munchies.

8. When he’s done smoking mary jane, he can shred Mary Jane.

7. Boulder cops are directed to make busting pot smokers their lowest priority — after jaywalking. So, if someone takes a picture of
you holding a bong and shows it to the cops, the cops don’t give a damn.

6. The shit here is really good — and we have swimming pools.

5. Where else in the world can you get organic, shade-grown Fair Trade Nederland weed?

4. No self-respecting Boulderite would ever think to sell photos of a friend holding a bong to the tabloids, no matter how famous that friend was.

3. In Boulder, even members of City Council toke.

2. The only thing that makes us angry with Phelps is that he apologized rather than standing up and saying, “Yeah, I smoke pot. So the fuck what?”

1. 4/20 needs a celebrity sponsor.

Are we socialists now?
According to Newsweek, the passage of the stimulus bill means that we Americans are now socialists. Wow, are the editors of Newsweek dumb, or what?

They’re not alone in being stupid, of course. An awful lot of brainless Americans believe that taxing people and spreading the wealth to those who are poor is socialism, while taxing people and spreading the wealth to the wealthy somehow constitutes capitalism.

But every time the government takes your money and gives it to someone else, that’s a form of socialism. And our government gives your money away every day.

Social Security? Socialism. Medicaid? Socialism. Small business loans? Socialism. Government-subsidized research to develop drugs that big pharmaceutical companies sell back to taxpayers for big profits? Yep — socialism.

So, are the editors at Newsweek as ignorant as the average half-literate inbred American redneck? Or, now that George W is out of office, are they just looking for a new way to whip up controversy so that they can sell magazines?

Cracking the case
Recently, Yvonne Morris, a technician at Brickyard Animal Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah, was leaving her office building when she spotted a strange man breaking into a coworker’s car. Without thinking twice, Morris attacked the potentially dangerous criminal and attempted to subdue him. (Note to self: don’t fuck with women in Utah.)

Morris struggled with the car thief but couldn’t restrain him because, as the Associated Press reports, he kept “squirming away from her.” Instead of simply releasing the man and calling for help, Morris employed a technique from her days as a playground bully: she grabbed the dude’s boxer shorts with both hands and pulled with all her might.

That’s right, she gave him a wedgie.

The AP story doesn’t say whether or not the wedgie was “atomic,” but it certainly did the trick. Morris followed up the wedgie with a vicious headlock and managed to hold on to the man until help arrived.

Currently, the criminal is being held at the Salt Lake County jail on suspicion of vehicle burglary, possession of stolen property and outstanding warrants. We can only assume that the man is not telling his cellmates the whole truth behind his capture: “How’d you get caught?” “Oh, some random lady yanked my Fruit of the Looms and then proceeded to kick my ass.” That’s not the kind of tough-guy story you want to spread around the prison.

In the end, we think the guy got off easy. If the wedgie didn’t work, Morris was either going to give him a swirly, snap him with a wet towel, or hold her index finger very close to his face and say, “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you.”

Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
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