February 12-18, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

Bat’leth crimes up 100 percent
Colorado Springs is reeling in the wake of two robberies committed by a suspect armed with a bat’leth — yes, a Klingon sword. The suspect is described as being an adult male Terran, or Earthling. According to police, he entered a 7-Eleven convenience store, brandished the bat’leth and demanded money. He then fled the scene with an undisclosed sum of cash.

The suspect then entered another 7-Eleven about 25 minutes later, still wielding the bat’leth, but this time he left empty handed.

This abrupt increase in bat’leth crimes has prompted the Colorado General Assembly to consider a statewide ban on the weapons.

Two possible variations of the ban are being considered, one that would make possession of a bat’leth a felony and another that would prohibit felons from owning bat’leths, establish a background check for all who hope to purchase a bat’leth and create a statewide registry of bat’leth owners.

The National Bat’leth Association has publicly decried both bills.

“Bat’leths don’t hold up 7-Elevens,” the NBA spokesman told Boulder Weekly. “Humanoids with bat’leths hold up 7-Elevens.”
The crimes are still under investigation, and police phasers remain on “stun.”

Shafted Down Under
Recently, two Australian citizens named Robert Johns and Laurelle Bates were on their way to work when they came across an unusual sight: 30 dildos lying in the middle of Osbeck Road (which has now been renamed “Dildo Boulevard” by clever local residents).

Johns and Bates do not know where the dildos came from or why they were abandoned on the street like redheaded stepchildren, but, apparently, they do know other details about these orphaned sex toys.

“I know they aren’t new,” Bates told a local newspaper. “They look used.”

The journalist who wrote the story did not inquire as to how a used dildo is visually distinguishable from a new dildo, and, quite frankly, we are not sure if we want to know. Perhaps, Bates received an inside tip.

As the day passed, Bates and Johns kept a close eye on the little pricks. Johns noted that many of the counterfeit cocks were crushed by the passing traffic (a piece of information that made the male member of our editorial staff wince and cross his legs). However, even more disturbing was the fact that some of the dildos turned up missing.

“Yeah, some of the bigger ones are gone,” Johns told the paper.

What kind of dick picks up fake dicks off the street? That might be the grossest thing that has happened in Australia since the Bee Gees started wearing tight pants on national television. The whole thing gives us the willies.

Night of the living redneck
In the past couple of months, there has been a string of electronic road signs across the United States that have cautioned drivers about an unusual highway hazard. Instead of FALLING ROCKS or ROADWORK AHEAD, signs in Illinois and Texas have displayed messages like DAILY LANE CLOSURES DUE TO ZOMBIES and NAZI ZOMBIES! RUN!!!

Joe Gasaway, an Illinois Department of Transportation field engineer, says the pranks are probably being executed by computer hackers, and he’s not amused.

“We understood it was a hoax,” says Gasaway, “but at the same time those boards are there for a reason. We don’t want [drivers] being distracted by a funny sign.”

OK, Debbie Downer, but what if the signs are actually real? Did you ever think of that?

Hypothetical Scenario: The government accidentally releases a top-secret chemical into the air in Houston, Texas. The wind picks up, and the toxic gas drifts into a local cemetery, where it seeps into the ground and reanimates thousands of white-trash corpses.

Now, remember, this is Texas, so no one is going to notice a small army of ugly, mindless creatures walking around on the street. That’s just a normal Tuesday in Houston.

However, just in the nick of time, a group of young computer nerds discover the insidious cover-up. Armed with laptops and asthma inhalers, these daring dorks send a message to all the soccer moms across America who are driving their demon progeny home from school. ZOMBIES IN AREA! RUN!

Of course, right now, these hackers are just a bunch of sexually repressed losers with bad skin and too much time on their hands, but after the undead try to eat our brains, we’re going to owe them a huge apology.

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