February 5-11, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

It’s a horse, it’s a plane!
Peace in the Middle East is generally lacking. The economy has gone to hell in a handbasket. And people still are in apparent freak-out over the analog-to-digital television conversion. But some Denver citizens have much more pressing matters at hand.

Recently, a Denver realtor launched a website devoted to the removal of the giant mustang sculpture that looms over the Denver International Airport entrance. The site, byebyebluemustang.com, redirects visitors to a Facebook page where bored area residents can whine about the commissioned sculpture through their favorite form of online social networking.

And while, yes, the thing can sometimes look like a giant-sized demon horse, rising from the ashes of the 1998 Denver Broncos, it’s an incredible feat. Art is always up for debate, and it seems doubtful that the neigghhh-sayers in this online outrage have really had the opportunity to look at this big, bad buck from any perspective other than, “Fuck! I’m late for my flight to I-have-nothing-better-to-do-than-complain-about-public-art-even-though-I-will-never-volunteer-time-or-effort-to-serve-with-Cultural-Affairs-ville.”
We here at BW decided to friend request the attacked Mustang, and through a series of wall-to-walls and private messages we were able to get some feedback right from the horse’s mouth:
“Honestly, I don’t really understand why everyone hates on me so much. I’m in better shape than that fat blue bear downtown, and far more spatially accurate than the jerk horse that just sits on that enormous chair next to the library. Please, Denver, if you’re going to cry about anything in the city, please sweep that giant dust pan in front of DAM under the road. That’s just plain tacky.”

What happens in Vegas…
Remember a couple years back when the former (How great does it feel to be able to say that?) president George W. Bush wanted to privatize our Social Security by investing it in the stock market? That would’ve been fun.

Well, one of the nation’s biggest banks just tried to make a similar gamble, and thankfully also bailed.

Wells Fargo, the largest bank in Colorado, had slated a 12-day trip to Las Vegas to lavishly celebrate its top mortgage brokers. The trip, referred to as a “recognition event,” is an annual blowjob the company likes to reward itself with for its financial savviness.

Previous “recognition events” have dished out funds for private entertainment from the likes of Cher, Huey Lewis, Jay Leno and Jimmy Buffett (What? Were you expecting Tom Waits? These are bankers we’re talking about. They’re all about that Margaritaville shit.), wine tastings, horseback rides and helicopter lifts.

So when lawmakers and media found out about all this, they rightfully freaked. Wells Fargo received $25 billion in recent government bailout funds, but still defended its actions. The company sent out a release claiming that none of the bailout money was being used to fund the trip, and that the trip would be scaled back, but not cancelled.

That didn’t go over so well, since most logical people understand that those who receive taxpayer money, especially to the tune of $25 billion, need to be nickel-and-diming their budget, not playing slots and lining up hookers. Under further public pressure, Wells Fargo announced on Feb. 3 that it would be canceling the trip due to the “current environment.”

Well, gee, thanks guys!

Now why not take that cash and use it to pay back the government, not reward those lenders who screwed us all in the first place. Or we can just put the whole economy on red 21. It’s a better bet than the stock market.

Eight is enough
Recently, a 33-year-old California woman named Nadya Suleman made headlines by giving birth to octuplets with the assistance of fertility treatments. For those of you who need to brush up on your math skills, that’s eight babies. Not two, not four. Eight. At one time.

At first, the newspapers were using the term “miracle” to describe the births, but now other words are starting to pop up, such as “unethical,” “dangerous” and “what the hell is wrong with this woman!”

Apparently, Suleman already had six children at home before medical science turned her vagina in to Vegas slot machine. Of those six children, who range in age from 2 to 7, two are twins, one is autistic, and all were conceived through in vitro fertilization (IVF).

Suleman’s own mother has openly said that her daughter, who isn’t married, has been obsessed with having children since she was a teenager.

Experts and analysts have expressed worry over the ethics of even offering IVF to a woman with six children, let alone implanting multiple embryos. Some have questioned the practice due to health risks to the mother and the babies, while others are concerned about the prospect of Suleman raising 14 (!!!) children without a partner to lend a hand.

At Boulder Weekly, we are concerned that insane people often produce insane offspring. Why can’t she just adopt 40 cats like a normal crazy woman?

Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
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