January 22-28, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

Give them the finger
There are a lot of correlations out there that have been proven: A devout dedication to Star Trek translates into a supreme nerdiness. If you’re riding a Segway, chances are you’re an asshole. Large vehicle equals small penis.

But recently, researches at the University of England have reported a strange male-specific link: long ring fingers equal financial success.

The team of researches looked at the right hands on 44 male stock traders involved in a career that required rapid physical reactions and quick decision-making. Over the course of 20 months, they followed the financial status of these fellas, all while taking note of the length of their ring fingers (sounds exciting, huh?). What they found is that the guys whose ring fingers were long in comparison with their index fingers made, on average, 11 times more money than those with the shortest ring fingers.

The reason might be attached to the fact that the ring-to-index-finger ratio is determined during the development of the fetus and is affected by exposure to the male hormone androgen. Studies have found that androgen exposure can heighten confidence, vigilance, risk preferences and reaction times. These are all important traits to possess if you are going to be successful in an occupation that requires you to constantly make irrational decisions without properly considering the consequences of your actions.

However, while these long-fingered guys on Wall Street might be making money for themselves in the short term, it’s possible that their yeehaw, gun-and-run approach to investment might have some detrimental effects in the long term. For instance, perhaps someone with shorter digits might have been a bit more cautious about giving risky loans to people who couldn’t pay them off and our economy wouldn’t be freefalling like a skydiver without a parachute.

So maybe we should do a little hand test before we put the next line of financiers in charge. Or at least make sure that they drive small cars.

What’s your beef?
On Monday, Jan. 19, a local woman was riding her bike on the South Boulder Creek Trail when she encountered strange sight: a large cow standing directly in her path. The woman stopped to let the animal pass, but the cow had other ideas. Before the surprised woman could get out of the way, the cow charged forward and knocked her over. The woman was shaken up, but she was not seriously injured and refused medical treatment.

Officials say this was simply a random event and cyclists should not be concerned about being attacked by cattle in the future.

However, investigative journalists here at Boulder Weekly aren’t so sure.

For several weeks, rumors have been circulating about a radical bovine moooovement in the area. Rogue cows dressed in faux-leather jackets and French berets have been seen stampeding across the countryside, defecating wherever they please and bullying frail liberals into eating tofu. Copies of George Orwell’s Animal Farm have been found in hamburger restaurants all across the state, and numerous dairy farms have been vandalized with anarchist hoof-print graffiti. Of course, police officials say these claims are udderly ridiculous, but there’s reason to believe the authorities are suckling at the teat of this crime wave and possibly skimming off the top of the cream bucket. The fact that this attack took place on Martin Luther King Day sends a clear message: We’re here, we’re steer, and we’re not gonna take it anymore!

Boulderites are encouraged to eat chicken or pork until a peace agreement can be reached with these bawdy beasts. This is no bull.

Lock your barn doors. Hide your leather boots. Got milk? If so, you should get rid of it quickly. We don’t want to cowtow to these threats, but we must keep our citizens safe during the hay day of this insurrection.

White washing
On Tuesday, Jan. 20, Barack Hussein Obama became the 44th President of the United States, and white conservatives across America suffered a small crisis of confidence. Of course, white conservatives still control many political offices in the country, and they have most of the money, and they have access to better health care and education, and they hold most of the head coaching positions in the NFL… but it was still a blow to their egos.

In order to keep their spirits alive in these troubled times, Boulder Weekly has created a list of areas in which white conservatives continue to excel: 1) watching Clint Eastwood movies, 2) making bean casseroles, 3) wearing toupées, 4) using outdated colloquialisms like darn tootin’ and you betcha, and 5) eating high-fiber cereal.
Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
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