December 25-31, 2008
editorial@boulderweekly.com

He sees when you’re sleeping
Dear Santa,
How’s it going, big guy? Remember me — Little Teddy Haggard! It’s been a long time since I wrote you last. Sorry about that. I’ve been spending my Christmases in Colorado Springs, and you know how they feel about you over there.

As you’ve probably heard, it’s been a rough couple of years. First, there was that little misunderstanding with the masseuse who sold me meth and touched my sin stick. Honestly, it was all very innocent, but you know how those perverts in the media distort everything. Then, the church sent me to Hypocrite Camp, and they taught me to hate my natural impulses and to love Jesus and Bay Watch. And now, Nancy Pelosi’s daughter has released a documentary about me called The Trials of Ted Haggard. It’s not very good. I wrote a scathing review of it on my blog.

They won’t let me be a preacher anymore, but that’s OK because I found a great new job as an insurance salesman. I’m not even kidding. I used to be one of the most powerful and respected religious figures in the country, and now I sell insurance. You know what they say: Whenever God closes a door, He opens a window… so you can jump out of it. Ha ha! That was just a joke. I’ve learned that laughing at life’s little problems is very therapeutic. Ha! I want to die. Ha ha!

But seriously, there are a few things that I want to put on my Christmas list:
1) A poster of Keanu Reeves. (It’s not what you think. I just need something to look at while I’m trying to have sex with Mrs. Haggard.)
2) A DVD player so I can watch that documentary about my life. (Also, there’s another movie about a pizza delivery guy with the wrong order that my friend BJ keeps telling me about.)
3) A man with a penis… Ha ha! Got you again. I meant a man with a pencil. Ha! I’m on a roll.
4) And of course, peace on Earth and good will toward men and all that other crap.
I hope you can see that I’ve decided to turn my life around. I have learned that it’s important not to hide from your problems. People need to take responsibility for their actions, even when it hurts.
That’s why I’m volunteering to give spankings to all the little boys on your Naughty List this year. Line ’em up and I’ll teach them a lesson. It’s called tough love, Santa.
Sincerely,
Little Teddy Haggard

City bans being annoying in public
Recently, the city council in Brighton, Mich., passed an ordinance allowing local officials to ticket and fine anyone who is annoying in public “by word of mouth, sign or motions.” The measure is based on a similar ordinance passed in a Detroit suburb called Royal Oak. Lawyers have expressed concern that the decision will violate citizens’ freedoms of speech, but that did not deter the city council from passing the resolution.

It is still unclear how Brighton officials will define exactly what is and is not “annoying” and how to punish the most egregious offenders, but we have a few suggestions.

If two adults with perfectly functional arms and hands decide to feed one another in public, they will be taken into the woods and shot.

If someone fails to turn off their cell phone before entering a movie theater and it rings, the audience is allowed to beat them for three minutes.

If the person actually answers the cell phone, the audience can force them to eat it.

If someone tries to use the word “zeitgeist” in normal conversation in order to appear intellectual, they will be forced to watch a David Lynch movie and explain what it really means.

If someone claims to be a Buddhist after reading an Allen Ginsberg poem, they are required to travel to India and apologize to every person who lives there.

If a person sings along to any U2 song with their eyes closed while riding a public bus, they should be stripped of all their possessions and forced to stand in the front row at a real rock concert.

If a person is a pompous, power-mongering demigod who sits on a local city council in Michigan and believes they have the right to pass arbitrary, judgmental laws that limit people’s freedoms of expression, they are required to look at their own reflection in a mirror and repeat this phrase 100 times: “I am so annoying… I am so annoying… I am so annoying…”
Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
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