December 4-10, email@example.com
Appetite for litigation
Question: Have you ever worn boat shoes with no socks?
Question: Have you ever tight-rolled your stonewashed jeans?
Question: Have you ever — be honest now — danced the Roger Rabbit and thought you were sexy?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions and you are over the age of 30, you might be a victim of the decade known as The Eighties. Don’t be ashamed; it’s not your fault. Just put down the Bugle Boys and the can of aerosol hairspray and back away. (If you answered yes to any or all of these questions and you are under the age of 30, you are probably just a hipster trying to be “retro.” There’s nothing we can do for you. May God have mercy on your soul.)
Recently, children of The Eighties suffered a debilitating flashback when raunchy redhead Axl Rose and his old heroin buddies in Guns N’ Roses finally (finally!) put out their promised album, Chinese Democracy. As always, controversy is swirling around the unwashed GN’R crew, not the least of which is a dispute with another Eighties icon, Dr Pepper. (If you just sang the lyrics “Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too” in your head, you’re definitely an Eighties victim.)
Dr Pepper promised to give everyone in America a free soda if Axl “finally released his 17-year-in-the-making belabored masterpiece, Chinese Democracy, in 2008.” After the album came out, Dr Pepper posted a coupon on its website for the gratis beverage, but they said the deal was only good for 24 hours. Of course, GN’R’s cheap-ass fans mobbed the site and crashed it.
Dr Pepper is claiming they have fulfilled their obligations, but Axl & Co. are threatening a lawsuit. In the end, there’s only one way to solve this dispute: we’ll strap the two combatants together, à la Michael Jackson and Wesley Snipes in the “Bad” video, and the winner gets to kick Vanilla Ice in the balls. (We don’t know why; we’ve just always wanted to see Vanilla Ice get kicked in the balls.) Have you met a young adult lately?
A recently released study has revealed a startling truth: Nearly one in five young adults in America has a personality disorder. If you count substance abuse, almost half of young people have some kind of psychiatric condition. The study suggests that young people
— roughly college-aged kids — are more vulnerable to personality disorders.
Here at Boulder Weekly, we’re some curious folks. So we wondered which personality disorders the study identified. Here’s what we found out:
I’m-a-spoiled-brat syndrome: A disorder caused by too many privileges, gifts and allowances given to an ungrateful child.
Everything-is-about-me disorder: A mental problem in which teenagers and young adults are incapable of seeing how anything in the world affects anyone but themselves. Often accompanied by high-pitched whining about what they want, need or wish for.
No-really-it’s-all-about-me disease: A more serious version of the above disorder, in which there is literally no brain activity concerning anyone but the affected person.
I-just-don’t-know-what-I-want disease: A condition in which the young person thinks they want one thing, then changes their mind repeatedly, annoying everyone around them.
I-live-under-a-rock disorder: An extreme version of narcissism in which the affected individual is so concerned with him or herself that they are completely unaware of the goings-on in the world surrounding them.
I’m-impossible-to-live-with syndrome: A personality disorder that makes it difficult to clean up after oneself, be respectful of others’ things, and understand where anyone else is coming from.
You’re-impossible-to-live-with syndrome: A personality disorder that makes it difficult to deal with other young people who have I’m-impossible-to-live-with syndrome.
I’d-rather-not-take-any-responsibility-for-anything-if-it’s-all-the-same-to-you disorder: A disturbing disorder that causes young adults to fail to acknowledge their own shortcomings, failures and screw-ups. Instead, the affected individual must find any other person to blame who may be linked to the failure, i.e. professors who didn’t give them enough time for the assignment, police officers who shouldn’t have watched them stumble into their car before arresting them, and banks that should have known they were going to deposit the check later that day and really shouldn’t have charged them the overdraft fee.
We did, however, find one mistake within the study. It seems they’ve underestimated how widespread these personality disorders actually are. In fact, nearly 100 percent of young people display symptoms of one or more of these disorders throughout their early-adult years. We’re not sure how they made that mistake; our question for the researchers is simply, “Have you ever met a young adult?”
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