November 27-December 3, 2008
editorial@boulderweekly.com

IDK, My BFF Joe Biden
Verizon Wireless recently disclosed a company breach — some of their employees had been looking at the personal cell phone records of one of their clients. A very important client.

In a statement to Barack Obama, Verizon President and CEO Lowell McAdam apologized, stating, “A number of Verizon Wireless employees have, without authorization, accessed and viewed President-elect Barack Obama’s personal cell-phone account.” McAdam also noted that the company is making fast efforts to find and reprimand the perpetrators of this crime.

But before they sort out the whole thing, the busy-bodies here at Boulder Weekly wanted to get a peek. Here is what we found:

—Voicemail sent June 4, 2008, at 4:13 a.m.: “Hillary, it’s Barack. Bahhhrrock! I can’t believe I just won the primaries. I mean, you were soooo good at the caucus. [laughs] Did you just hear that? I said, ‘caucus’! No, but seriously, seriously… Maybe it’s just the blue champagne talking, but if I win this, I’m totally going to make you my Secretary of Awesomeness, Hillary. I don’t care if it doesn’t exist yet. I’ll make it! That’s what I call CHANGE!”

—Text message sent Aug. 29, 2008, at 2:38 p.m.: “OMG! You won’t believe what I just found out. He picked Palin as his VP. I know, right? This is going 2 b 2 easy. Call me when you get off the jet so we can discuss. TTYL!”

—E-mail sent Nov. 4, 2008, at 7:49 p.m.: “Dear President Bush, If you could make sure you get the carpets cleaned and fix that leak in the Oval Office by Jan. 19, that would be cool. I’ve got all these cabinets that I’d like to move in early. Thanks! XOXO, Barack.”

Dick under glass
In a city in New South Wales, Australia, a man named Keith Roy Weatherley was recently arrested and fined for “offensive behaviour.” The offense? According to the Newcastle Herald, Weatherley was pleasuring himself in a pasta sauce jar. He originally attracted the attention of police for being parked in a no-stopping zone. As they approached his vehicle, however, officers found him making love to a jar of sauce. Refusing to leave his vehicle, he then led police on a slow-speed car chase. When they finally caught up to the dude, he was still servicing that damn jar. Police also noted the other contents of his car: porn, a “homemade sex aid” (whatever that means), women’s stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

Though the story has brought much laughter and embarrassment, the corporation that makes the pasta sauce is looking to seize this opportunity to expand their product market. To help in the exposure, they’ve embarked upon a new branding campaign. Here are a few of the new labels on the drawing board:

—“Try our meat sauce!”

—“Bored? Put your tallywacker in here for a while!”

—“Hand-made by mom and dad!”

—“Pervert Pasta Sauce: For pasta lovers and degenerates!”

—“You can stick your junk in here!”

Protect and serve
A 19-year-old Coloradan faces drug possession charges after a patron reported a group of teenagers smoking pot in the back of an Aspen movie theater. The police arrived promptly and pulled the teenagers out of the new Kevin Smith comedy, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, to interrogate them. The accused stoner confessed to possessing less than an ounce of marijuana and was subsequently arrested. One more example of the police using our hard-earned taxpayer money to keep our movie theaters safe from giggly youngsters.

Of course, the staff at Boulder Weekly is opposed to this kind of miscreant behavior. We would never, ever smoke weed in a movie theater. We might take a toke during a Steve Miller concert, or before a baseball game, or while watching TV, or after washing dishes, or in the middle of a family reunion, or just prior to going on a really long bus ride, or before going to the zoo, or to celebrate Leap Year. But never in a movie theater. That’s just wrong.

In an effort to keep these dastardly criminals off the street, we offer the good citizens of Aspen these clues on how to spot a pothead in a movie theater:

—If they purchase popcorn with extra butter and M&Ms and Whoppers and potato chips and nachos and a Snickers. And then they mix them all together.

—If they use the word “dude” as a noun, a verb, an adjective and an adverb all in one sentence.

—If they say incriminating things, such as, “Dude, this sure is good pot,” or, “My hands are so cool, look at my hands, wow, these are
great hands,” or, “I’m like so high. On pot. Which is a common name for marijuana. Which is a drug that’s illegal in this country but not in other countries that aren’t as anal as this one.”

—If they’re watching any Kevin Smith movie ever made.

Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
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