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November 13-19, 2008
buzz@boulderweekly.com
A conversation between Mario and Luigi on their first day at work
by Dale Bridges
Luigi: So what are we supposed to do?
Mario: You don’t know?
Luigi: No, I missed the training session. Are we going to fix someone’s plumbing?
Mario: Nothing like that. Here’s what’s going to happen: We’re going to sit here in total darkness until somebody turns on the lights. As soon as that happens, this really annoying music starts to play and one of us will have to run and jump over a small man shaped like a mushroom.
Luigi: What? Are you kidding me?
Mario: I’m completely serious. Actually, you don’t have to jump over him. You can also jump on top of his head.
Luigi: Is that even legal?
Mario: I don’t know. But you have to do it or else you’ll die.
Luigi: I’ll die!
Mario: Well, you might die or you might just get smaller. It’s hard to say.
Luigi: I can’t believe this. I have a wife and kids. I can’t be running around like some idiot, squashing people’s heads. I’ve got to get out of here. Who’s in charge?
Mario: A 12-year-old boy named Timmy.
Luigi: Timmy! My fate lies in the hands of some sixth grader named Timmy! I want to talk to my union representative.
Mario: No time for that now. Pay attention. If you run into the mushroom men you die, but if you run into a different kind of mushroom you get bigger.
Luigi: This is very confusing.
Mario: I know. That’s why there’s a training session. You might also have to swing on a vine or jump onto a series of small platforms that are suspended in the air, defying all laws of physics.
Luigi: C’mon, you’re pulling my leg, right? What’s the point of all this?
Mario: If you make it past the mushroom men and the flaming pits and turtle dudes, you might get the opportunity to rescue a Princess.
Luigi: A Princess! Now you’re talking. Is she hot? I bet she’s hot.
Mario: Actually, she sort of looks like an inbred Strawberry Shortcake.
Luigi: But at least the Princess is rich, right? I mean, there must be a huge monetary reward that will make all this pain and suffering worth it.
Mario: Actually, I don’t know for sure. She’s from someplace called the Mushroom Kingdom. I think it’s in Eastern Europe.
Luigi: No way. I'm not going to risk my life for some frumpy, impoverished aristocrat.
Mario: Too late. There’s the music. Run! Run!
The next day…
Luigi: Wow, yesterday was crazy. Did you see me jump on that turtle and then kick his shell? That was awesome.
Mario: Yeah, it was OK.
Luigi: OK! It was more than just OK. It was amazing. I felt alive for the first time in my life.
Mario: Good for you.
Luigi: What’s wrong?
Mario: Nothing.
Luigi: Are you sick?
Mario: No.
Luigi: Did you singe your mustache on one of those fireballs?
Mario: No. Can we just drop it?
Luigi: Don’t tell me you’re pissed off because I rescued the Princess.
Mario: No way. I didn’t want to rescue her anyway. She thinks she’s soooo cool just because she wears pink and has a tiara. Ooooh, look at me. I’m a stupid Princess in a stupid pink dress.
Luigi: C’mon, don’t be that way. I’m sure you’ll do better today.
Mario: Don’t patronize me.
Luigi: All right, man. Chill out... You know, it’s weird but I’m actually kind of looking forward to this. Yesterday was such a rush. Do you think I can beat my old time?
Mario: Whatever.
Luigi: Did you here that? I think it’s the music. Here we go again! Mario?... Hey, where are the mushroom men?
Mario: Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. No mushroom men today. We’re racing cars.
Luigi: Cars!
Mario: Well, karts actually. Super-fast demon karts with no safety equipment.
Luigi: But I don’t know how to drive. I take the bus.
Mario: Oh my goodness, that’s right. I forgot about that. Well, good luck. See you at the finish line.
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