November 20-26, 2008
editorial@boulderweekly.com

Got education?
When CU alums look back on their time at our local prestigious institution, will they remember their superior level of education? Or maybe their small class sizes and diverse faculty? Or maybe even their opportunities to participate in cutting-edge research?
Nah. They’re gonna remember that pretty little logo.

The University of Colorado has recently announced that they will be spending $785,000 on a new branding campaign. The campaign is an effort to promote the university through a series of logos and visual images. CU’s brass have stated that they are looking to move CU away from its Boulder-centric image in an effort to yield more students. The project is funded through the “President’s Initiative Fund,” and with Bruce Benson as pres, we’re not all too surprised. While the price of books climbs higher, department budgets are cut and quality professors are denied tenure, Benson has no problem forking over $785K to Landor Associates, a creative design consultancy that works with other big companies like FedEx.

Inside sources say there are currently three possibilities for the new CU logo: 1) a woman in a bikini drinking a Coke; 2) an image of Ronald McDonald and Pete Coors giving each other a high five; or 3) $.

It’s a sad day in academia when your school is more focused on advertising than higher learning. But what more do we expect when we elect a businessman with a bachelor’s to run a university system?

Too close for comfort
More than two weeks after the election, the unofficial results in Alaska’s U.S. Senate race show Sen. Ted Stevens, the Republican incumbent, losing the election to his opponent, Democrat Mark Begich. But it was a close race. Sen. Stevens lost by only 3,724 votes (with 2,500 absentee votes still to be counted).

It was only eight days before Election Day that Stevens was found guilty on all seven counts of corruption charges, each one a felony. And the convictions mean that the long-time senator, once he is sentenced in January, will no longer be able to vote in his home state. Yet, if he had miraculously won the race, he would have a job in the U.S. Senate, as there is no law that bars felons from serving in Congress. This, despite the fact that he faces a sentence of up to five years for each of the seven counts.

However, even though he lost, Stevens received a mind-boggling 46.6 percent of the vote. In an effort to uncover why anyone would vote for a convicted felon, Boulder Weekly interviewed several Stevens supporters.

Conservative Housewife: “I know he’s corrupt and devious and a horrible example of a human being, but he’s not a homosexual and
that’s all I care about.”

Man Carrying A Big Gun: “I like to shoot things. If I don’t shoot something every two hours, my genitals shrink. Democrats want me to have a small wiener.”

Crazy Misanthropic Hermit Guy: “I don’t like to judge other people; I once tongue-kissed a moose.”

Native Alaskan: “There are entire months here when the sun doesn’t set. Do you have any idea what that’s like? I’m crazier than a shithouse rat.”

The saga continues
Oh, Boulder City Council, you liberal coven of closet Puritans, how easy it is to mock thee.

It seems like just yesterday that a strip joint called Nitro Club set up shop on the Pearl Street Mall and the open-minded, democratic citizens of Boulder completely freaked out. “This is an outrage!” we imagine them saying in their fake Victorian accents while wearing monocles and reading Pilgrim’s Progress. “Women exposing their hoo-has and whatnots? Not in the People’s Republic!”

Immediately, the Boulder League of Asinine Heroes (BLAH) jumped in their Hypocrite Mobile and drove to the Boulder City Council office to complain about the new establishment. The city responded by slapping Nitro with a long list of petty violations.

Since that time, the strip club has endured numerous inspections and court dates, while city officials attempt to figure out what to call them. At first, Nitro was decreed a “restaurant.” Then it became an “indoor amusement facility.” Now, they are applying for their liquor license in order to be classified as a “tavern.”

However, if they do receive their liquor license, Nitro will be a little less strip and a lot more tease. According to Colorado law, full nudity is not allowed in establishments that serve alcohol. Apparently, breasts and beer are no problem, but as soon as vulva or a penis makes an appearance, anarchy ensues.

So this is Boulder’s logic: We don’t want naked women on Pearl Street because that’s icky. But if you serve alcohol and make them wear thongs, the balance of the universe is restored.

Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
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