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Shut that door and lock it tight
Now that she’s not running as the vice presidential candidate for the Republic ticket, Gov. Sarah Palin is finally answering some questions, albeit none about foreign policy. The former VP hopeful, who had once been so strictly controlled in her media appearances (and for good reason) can now relax with the networks, dropping her down-home “you betchas” and “helluvas,” and any other phrase that includes a substitute swear word, with ease. She’s appeared on the Today Show, FOX News and Larry King Live, fielding questions about her experience on the campaign trail and her political future.
So what’s she gotta say, goshdarnit?
“I’m like OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” she told FOX News. “And if there is an open door in ’12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I’ll plow through that door.”
So, if God wills it, Palin’s in to run for president in a future election.
But wasn’t that door held open for her once already? While liberals might welcome a Palin pick for the bid (seriously, how easy would that be to defeat?), she and the GOP would be out of their minds to suggest a future shot at the Oval Office. Many have already pointed that her pick as VP alone was a disqualification in voting for McCain. Put her at the top of the ticket, and we’re all doomed.
So while Mrs. Palin resumes her life of field dressing and book burning in Wasilla, we offer her this one piece of advice: keep praying.
What not to do with a stolen car
Two recent news stories prove that there is something wrong with America’s youth.
The first involves a 13-year-old Colorado Springs teen who stole her parents’ car — and used it to facilitate an unspeakable act. The teen took her parents 1988 Chevy Suburban at the ungodly hour of 7:30 a.m. and used it to drive five of her friends to — and this is the incredible part — school. That’s right, she stole her parents car to take herself and her friends to the exact place that they were supposed to be. Unfortunately, the stunt was unsuccessful because, on the way, she ran into a fire hydrant, which spewed water and caused a sinkhole. Upon hitting the hydrant, the teens all fled the scene. But they were found — again, this is almost unbelievable — at school!
The second story is similar in nature, but this time the car thief is a 9-year-old boy. The tiny criminal was discovered when officers received a report of an unmanned car driving down the road. Once he was stopped, the boy who said he had learned to drive from watching his dad and playing arcade driving games, revealed his intended destination: his grandma’s house. After finding the parked car with the key in the ignition, the mischievous kid decided to take a trip over the hills and through the woods. Admittedly, this is a fine destination under normal circumstances.
But here’s the thing: the kids in both of these stories stole cars! And the way we remember it, when you’re a kid and you steal your parents’ car for a joyride, you don’t take it to places that you are supposed to go. You take it to all the places from which you are normally forbidden. You go to make-out point, you go smoke Marlboro Reds at the seedy pool hall next to Jorge’s Sombrero, you go to the concert of the band you’d never be allowed to go see. (OK, so maybe, if you’re 9, these options are a little mature, but you at least go buy enough candy to make yourself sick.) It’s disturbing to see that the next generation just doesn’t have what it takes to follow through with their delinquent behavior. Our advice to the youth in question: There’s no sense in breaking the law and risking serious trouble for a joyride to school or grandma’s house. If you’re going to do it, do it right.
Leave it to Louvre
It’s a proud day to be The Beav’s big bro. No foolin’! No, he didn’t finally own up to creating that juice stain on the carpet. Instead, he got a pretty honorable art mention. Tony Dow, who played Wally Cleaver on the hit ’50s show Leave it to Beaver, will have one of his sculptures put on display at an upcoming exhibit at Paris’ world-famous Louvre Museum.
But, gee, guys, how did he go from getting in all sorts of trouble, what with running around with the likes of Eddie and Lumpy, to becoming a top-notch artist? If five-minute end-of-episode resolution speeches have taught us anything, it’s that persistence pays off.
See, remember the episode when Wally overhears his dream girl Gloria mention his pug nose and takes it as a slight, so then he buys that weird mail-order contraption that’s supposed help shape and perfect his nose and wears it every night even though Ward doesn’t think it’s such a good idea until finally Wally realizes to just love his face the way it is?
Of course you do.
Well, then it should come as no surprise that the nasal sculpting that occurred in that episode was the spark that ignited the artist’s passion for recreating form. If Gloria hadn’t been such a bitch, who knows what the art world would be missing out on?
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