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|October 30-November 5, firstname.lastname@example.org
Are you like so many other high-country residents, and bored with the beautiful snow, $10 million rustic cabins and abundant caviar? Well, maybe it’s time for you to look into a new hobby. May we suggest bitching?
You see, not everything can be perfect in little snow towns like Vail and Avon and Aspen. Sometimes these evil people called snowboarders bring their youthful prowess, gnarly vernacular and Mountain Dew to the regal hills, spiking hot cocoa and spending all of their parents’ money. Oh, the nerve!
But if the presence of the boarders themselves was not enough to get under the radiant skin of Vail residents, their equipment is now burrowing deeper.
Two new lines of snowboards released by the popular board and apparel company Burton are causing many mountain residents some serious distress. One known as the “Love” series is a partnership with Playboy that features nude models on the top side of the board. Though neither nipples nor genitalia are visible, buttocks are. The other series, known as “Primo” boards, show designs with fingers being severed from hands.
Translated into the world of snobs, the “Love” and “Primo” lines are a promotion of pornography and self-mutilation that must be kept from the public eye. Many local parents have spoken out against the lines, stating that the boards bring sex and darkness into the lives of teenage boys.
We’ve got news for all you snow mamas out there: sex and darkness are at the core of many teenagers’ lives, and a couple clicks on the Internet will get you much further than any soft-core board covered in snow. Sure, these boards might lean a little on the white-trash end of the spectrum, but they’re no reason to go around shouting, “Pornography!” Last we checked, freedom of expression was alive and well in America, even in places where high property taxes may give people a false sense of entitlement.
Choose answer “A”
There are a few basic rules when it comes to getting off lightly when you’ve been busted. Namely, make everyone think you’re as innocent as possible when it comes to the sentencing. Let’s put this into practice, shall we?
You’re busted for possession of marijuana. Right before you’re about to walk out the door for your court hearing, your buddy Rick coughs out the words, “Want some?” while exhaling a bong hit. Do you: A) Politely refuse, maintaining that you are on your way to court for drug charges, or B) Say, “I hate going to these uptight things with my lawyer, man. I could use a hit.”
If you answered A, good job! Looks like you get off with 6 months of community service, a fine and some lawyer’s fees. If you answered B, then you can be reassured as you sit in your cell that there is someone out there just as dim as yourself.
You see, recently a California man put himself in a similar situation, and decided to choose answer B. But in his case, it was not petty pot, but grand theft auto.
After being charged with stolen possession of a $125,000 Porsche Carrera, a 37-year-old San Francisco hairstylist had to find a way to court. But instead of getting a ride from a friend, hopping on public transportation, taking a taxi, renting a car or perhaps learning to unicycle, the man decided to, ahem, steal a car to get to the courthouse.
He parked the newly stolen Lexus SUV near the courthouse and walked on into his hearing. While he was inside the courthouse, police were drawn to the Lexus, not because it reeked of carjacking, but because there were several Yorkshire terriers mulling around in it. From there, police ran the plates to discover it stolen. As our man walked out of the courthouse, Lexus keys in hand, he was promptly arrested yet again for auto theft, with some animal-cruelty charges tacked on for good measure.
We knew that extra bong hit wasn’t such a good idea.
Free the naked bodies!
Tom Madden, the 17-year-old son of State House Majority Leader Alice Madden, D-Boulder, was arrested Friday, Oct. 24, for streaking in front of 6,000 high school football fans. Alice Madden expressed her chagrin in the local daily, and the press reported that the penalty for this stunt could range from a fine of $500 to $5,000 and/or a jail sentence of six to 18 months. The press even looked into whether the kid will have to register as sex offender and reported that he probably won’t.
If only Tom had waited one lousy week. He’d have been able to run around with his naughty bits exposed — without getting arrested!
This Friday, dozens of skin-happy Boulder residents are expected to strip and run naked down Pearl Street as part of the 10th annual Naked Pumpkin Run. These folks drop pumpkins over their heads and run through our downtown area in the buff. And they don’t get arrested.
Neither do the folks who ride their bikes naked through the streets of town every June for the Naked Bike Ride with the slogan “Less gas, more ass.” (Though more ass can often mean more gas, particularly if the ass in question belongs to vegans, but we digress.)
We’re not sure why young Madden deserves to be singled out for baring it all, but we think perhaps his mom ought to work to pass a law decriminalizing non-sexual public nudity. What’s so damned upsetting about naked bodies? Under our clothes, we all have one.
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