Political par-tay
Where to celebrate (or weep) in Boulder County before, during and after the election  
by Dylan Otto Krider

As an investigative arts journalist, it’s important to remain neutral and objective when covering politics. Having said that, let me get this out of the way right now: George W. Bush has been an abject failure. That’s not being partisan. You’d have to be a partisan to be in denial about it at this point, and it’s one of the few things both McCain and Obama agree upon. Both are campaigning for “change” (from… Bush). Both claim the other is more like the current occupant.

This is what McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds had to say about Obama’s non-erratic response to the financial crisis: “We welcome Barack Obama’s new-found interest in passing this critical economic rescue of our economy, but the American people needed leadership last week, and our next president can’t wait until after the levees break to start making phone calls.” McCain’s security advisor, Randy Scheunemann, said, “I think the American people have had enough of inflexibility and stubbornness on national security policy. We cannot afford to replace one administration that refused for too long to acknowledge failure in Iraq with a candidate who refuses to acknowledge success in Iraq,” referring to the surge that Obama refuses to admit won the war we have to babysit to keep from spreading throughout the region.

So, there is widespread bipartisan agreement that Bush sucks green donkey dicks. To say Bush blows at about Category 5 puts one pretty much right smack dab in the middle of the American electorate. What is still debatable is the degree of George Bush’s suckitude: Larry Craig or Hoover vacuum?

It’s too soon to say, which hasn’t prevented presidential historians from weighing in on the subject: in 2004, over 80 percent of 400 some historians surveyed found Bush a failure. Since then, we’ve had civil war, drowned a major U.S. city, and come to the brink of a worldwide economic “ession” that, best case scenario, will keep the suffix “rec” rather than “depr.” A recent poll by History News Network had 98 percent of historians ranking his presidency a failure, and 61 percent as the… Worst. President. Ever. Easily beating former favorite Andrew Johnson.

Which is all just a roundabout way of saying that, by any objective analysis, the last eight years have sucked. And they have blown. And they have sucked and blown, and sucked and blown like a hyperventilating, asthmatic, lifelong smoker through an electronic larynx.

But they are about to be over. So, how is one to celebrate?

Foreplay
Just in case you still haven’t made up your mind, The Conscious Alliance will host a last minute Barack-the-vote Nov. 2 with the PR-O-Bama Jam. Guests including Michael Kang, Michael Travis, Patrice Blanchard, Joey Porter, Dominic Lalli, Aaron Johnston (Brazilian Girls), Scott Messersmit and Dubskin. $17. Boulder Theater, 2030 14th St., 303-786-7030.

Party
Libertarians can party with the local candidates, whoever they are, as they watch the election returns on pins and needles to see if they break into double digits. Woody’s Wood Fire Pizza, 7095 E. Evans Ave., Denver.

If you belong to those other also-rans, the Green Party, you’ll have to go all the way down to Denver for your Party’s party as well. 5:30 p.m.-9 p.m. Parkway Clubhouse, 12th and Galapago, Denver.

Boulder County Democrats are confident enough to call their tally watch a Victory Party, and they expect a lot of people — the event will be held at the Boulder County Fairgrounds Exhibit Hall. Confident much? Let’s see if all those registered voters turn out. The celebration (?) goes from 7 p.m. to midnight. $5. Hover Street and Nelson Road, Longmont, 303-442-3423. Or, you can just hang out.

Why not catch Present Tense Films’ Election Night Simulcast and Community Gathering at the Boulder Theater? It will be emceed by Shareef Aleem of KGNU, which would be one of the most unfortunate names to have if one ever wanted have a political career, outside of Barack Hussein Obama. $10, 5 p.m., Boulder Theater, 2030 14th St., 303-786-7030.

There will also be a CELP Election Night Party from 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. at the Lazy Dog Sports Bar and Grill, 1346 Pearl St., Boulder, 303-440-3355.

Aftermath
It wouldn’t take much of a shift to put a few major swing states into the red, but it could be a rather short evening, if Pennsylvania, Ohio or Florida goes blue, so you’ll probably have a chance to hit the clubs afterwards.

Then again, maybe the election is the last thing in the world you care about. In which case, you ought to do some head banging to Metallica at the Pepsi Center. The most political they’re likely to get is “Disposable Heroes,” though in an interview on German television, when guitarist/vocalist David Hetfield was asked how he felt about “Enter Sandman” being used to interrogate prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, he said, “Part of me is proud because they chose Metallica… It’s strong. It’s music that’s powerful. It represents something they don’t like… maybe freedom… I don’t know… freedom of speech. And then part of me is kind of bummed about it.” The song was said to have brought “20th hijacker” Mohammad al-Qhatani to tears “because he thought he was hearing the sound of Satan.” 7 p.m., 1000 Chopper Cir., Denver, 303-830-TIXS.

Boulder County Republicans can discuss the election results at their breakfast held the first Wednesday of every month, 7 a.m. at the Longmont IHop, 2040 Ken Pratt Blvd., Longmont, 720-227-3357.

Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
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