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|October 23-29, email@example.com
Petty crime doesn’t pay
Some idiot with a knife attempted to rob a Boulder gas station on Friday, Oct. 17, but left the scene of his crime $2 poorer.
Police say the dork, as yet unidentified, entered the gas station, picked up a Snickers bar and dropped $2 on the counter. When the attendant opened the cash drawer, the dimwit drew a knife and demanded money. The attendant slammed the drawer, backed away from counter and called 911.
Did this stop the attempted robber? No.
The dude began pressing buttons on the cash register, trying to force it open so that he could get what he’d really come for — which wasn’t a candy bar packed with peanuts. But, alas, the drawer wouldn’t open. The would-be-robber then fled on foot, forgetting both the candy bar and his two bucks.
Let that be a lesson to you, petty loser thieves of Boulder. Crime does not pay — unless you steal really large sums of money from taxpayers as part of a Wall Street stick-up called a “bail-out,” in which case you might well make off with millions.
What’s in a name?
After nine months of pregnancy and hours of labor, a woman in Elizabethton, Tenn., reached to embrace her baby girl, Ava Grace.
Except Ava Grace wasn’t Ava Grace anymore.
Mark Ciptak, a new Tennessee father, decided to go behind his wife’s back while filling out paperwork for their newborn. Though the couple had mutually decided upon the name “Ava Grace” for their daughter, Ciptak penned in a different name entirely for her birth certificate: Sarah McCain Palin.
Yes, that’s right. A loyal and devout Republican snuck around his recovering wife to change the meaning of his girl’s name from “like a bird” and “full of grace” to “like a wolf shot from a helicopter” and “full of off-shore drilling and short-sighted VP picks.”
In an interview with the Associated Press, Ciptak said that he renamed his third child after the Republican presidential ticket in order to “get the word out” about the campaign.
In defense of his actions, Ciptak went on further to say, “I took one for the cause. I can’t give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little.”
Actually, Mark, it looks like your daughter took one for the cause. And the next time you feel like changing names for political seasons, we propose you stick with your own. Might we suggest Maverick Hockey Lipstick Ben-Gay Ciptak?
Only in America
Last week, Colin Powell stepped forward to endorse Sen. Barack Obama for president. Powell, who served as Secretary of State in George W’s first term, is a Republican and a long-time friend of Sen. John McCain. But in an eloquent and understated presentation, he made it clear that he believes Obama is the better choice for president.
It’s an endorsement that ought to carry a lot of weight with the American people, particularly conservative-leaning but undecided voters. It certainly carries weight with the rest of the world, which respects Powell and sees in him a man who was uncomfortable with George W’s policies.
Rather than taking the wind out of McCain’s sails altogether, however, Powell’s endorsement has inspired the Joe Six-Packs of the nation, intellectual giants that they are, to accuse Powell of racism. The former general only endorsed Obama because he’s black, they say.
Grow up, America!
It’s clear that Powell put a lot of thought into his endorsement. To dismiss it as being a racially motivated act is to insult not only Powell himself but the entire electoral process. If black people run for office, it’s a given that some of the people who vote for them will be black. Is every black vote cast for a black candidate a racist act?
What would these Joe Six Packs have to say if someone told them that they’re only voting for McCain because he’s white?
“Could somebody help me in understanding or convince me in a cultured, civilized and sophisticated language why, in America, a black human being respected in the whole world, endorsing a black human being respected in the whole world, would be a racist?” asked one Japanese reader of the LA Times.
The answer to this sincere and reasonable question is as simple as it is scary: There are a lot of really stupid people in America.
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