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| September 11-17, firstname.lastname@example.org
And the award goes to…
Every once in a while, Boulder Weekly likes to give out a D-Bag Award to a local person who has gone above and beyond the call of duty in the area of douchebaggery. Past recipients have been white supremacists, homophobes and political opportunists of all shapes and sizes.
Recently, Abraham Paquet and Joshua Ruzek, both 20-year-old a-holes from Louisville, were nominated for the coveted award after being convicted of a hate crime in Boulder. On March 11, these two white guys assaulted a Hispanic man named Ivan Ponce De Leon-Najera at a Boulder gas station. According to police, Paquet and Ruzek asked Leon-Najera, “Why are you stealing our jobs?” And then they proceeded to push the guy around and punch him repeatedly. Apparently, aside from being racist jerkwads, Paquet and Ruzek are also cowards with no sense of fair play. I mean, seriously, two on one? Wusses.
Judge James Klein sentenced both of these upstanding citizens to 18 months in prison, and while BW supports that decision, we can only give out one D-Bag Award at a time. In this case, we have to go with Paquet. You see, ganging up on innocent bystanders wasn’t the only offense Paquet committed. Earlier on the very same day of the assault, police discovered that Paquet also stole a skateboard from a 15-year-old kid. Apparently, racially motivated violence was not enough for Paquet; he wanted to make certain there was no debate over who is the biggest dick in Boulder County.
Congratulations, sir! You’re a huge d-bag!
I’m lovin’ it… and lovin’ it… and lovin’ it…
Recently, a 54-year-old man in Fond du Lac, Wis., named Don Gorske reported that he had consumed 23,000 Big Macs in the past 36 years. There are many things that concern us about this particular piece of news:
1) Honestly, someone really decided to name a city Fond du Lac? What the hell is wrong with people in Wisconsin? 2) Adults in their 50s still eat at fast-food restaurants every day that have a large, red-headed clown as their mascot? Kind of creepy, Gorske. Maybe you could drop by an Olive Garden every once in a while just to shake things up.
Gorske became infatuated with McDonald’s burgers on May 17, 1972. He says that he began watching McDonald’s track its number of customers because of his obsessive-compulsive disorder, and that motivated him to monitor his own consumption. Since then, Gorske has eaten a Big Mac every single day, except on the day his mother died. He has a receipt for every purchase.
On the one hand, this is kind of a weird thing to do. On the other hand, there are far too many normal people in this world, and a little weirdness is refreshing. Also, the fact that Gorske is gorging on fast food in an age when McDonald’s has been demonized by our PC, health-obsessed, organic-loving culture makes him a hero to all of us who would rather die with trans fats in our arteries than utter the words, “Can I get that with tofu?”
Oh my God! They killed Boris!
South Park, the animated comedy born of obscenities and Colorado snow, never wastes much time in offending people. In fact, you might say that’s their goal. The cartoon has taken a stab at just about every ethnicity, religion and political faction out there, magnifying stereotypes to an extreme. And, as a result, it’s really fucking funny.
But, as with all things truly humorous and silly, someone has to go around taking it too seriously and ruining it for everyone. And this time it’s an entire country. No, not Canada. The other big, cold country — Russia.
South Park has been labeled as “extremist” by Russian prosecutors who recently sent warnings to 2x2, an all-cartoon Russian TV station that broadcasts the show. The Prosecutor General’s Office states that the show “offends the honor and dignity of Christians and Muslims and insults the feelings of believers irrespective of their faith.” The head of the Russian Union of Evangelical Christians, Konstantin Bendas, noted that the cartoon should be banned because it contains “covert and overt propaganda of homosexuality and pedophilia as norms of sexual life.”
Well, maybe it’s because Russia is a little propaganda-sensitive after its former Soviet Union demanded that everyone respect its authoritay. Or maybe it’s simply because it’s difficult to understand what Kenny is really saying in the English-to-Russian translation. But whatever the reason for getting all huffy about a few satirical schoolboys, we would like to redirect Russia’s attention to another case of extremism: the Russian-Georgian war.
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