August 21-27, email@example.com
Ever heard of the Internet?
Here’s a new way to get a hold of some free porn. Walk into an adult store, go up to the front counter, flash a badge and tell them to hand over some X-rated films. They’ll have to do it if you tell them that you work for the “Age Verification Unit” of the police department and you have to make sure there aren’t any under-aged actors, right?
Actually, maybe that’s not the best idea, since Libby Drew, a Longmont man, got arrested last week for doing just that. See, the problem is that there is no such unit, which makes the request pretty freakin’ suspicious. Even still, the dude tried on three separate occasions and even went to the trouble of getting business cards made and acquiring a badge with the words “private security” on it. Police say that such badges can be found on the Internet.
We’re not sure if Drew was aware of this fact, but something else is readily available on the Internet. It’s called porn and you can even find it for free. So, we hope you all learn a lesson from the man who got arrested for trying to get free porn. Don’t risk it. Don’t spend money on fake badges or fake business cards. We’re all about porn and whatever other forms of sexual expression work for you, but you don’t have to scheme and break the law for them. Do what the rest of us do and find that shit on the Internet. Really. It’s just the right thing to do. Black boxes, bombs and feces. Oh my!
On Monday, Aug. 18, a “mysterious black box” was discovered at an intersection in Denver. The box, which resembled a postal box, except that it was black instead of blue, spurred enough suspicion that Market Street was shut down between 17th and 19th streets for about a half an hour.
The black box, it turned out, is used by a private company to put packages in until they can be picked up. An employee apparently placed the box at the intersection over the weekend because its normal spot couldn’t be accessed due to construction. Since he didn’t get permission before placing the box, the authorities could only assume that there was a bomb inside — a clever way to blow up the city that is hosting the Democratic National Convention.
Upon further investigation, however, Denver Police Department’s bomb squad determined that the “suspicious box” was not dangerous; it was just a box.
But here’s what we’re wondering: with an extra couple hundred thousand people in Denver for the DNC, are the police really going to 1) notice every box that is placed without permission, 2) investigate every box that is placed without permission, and 3) still make sure no one is carrying urine or feces? Seems like a lot to ask. Hurrah for stupid names
Here in America, we can name our kids whatever we damn well please. Hell, you could actually name your kid “Damn-well-please” if you really wanted to. But until recently, Swedish parents-to-be were forced to come up with names that were not officially classified as “stupid.” The Swedish Tax Authority banned parents from naming their children after fast food chains, rock bands or anything else that could lead to embarrassment or didn’t fit with traditional Swedish names.
But now, thank God, tax authority spokesman Lars Tegenfeldt (what kind of name is that?!?) has told a local newspaper that there is no longer anything negative about a name like Coca-Cola or McDonald’s, like there was in the 1970s.
Since we Americans have had a little more experience in the stupid names (and stupid shit in general) department, we thought we’d offer a few suggestions for the expecting Swedes out there who are dying to find the perfect stupid name, now that they are allowed.
Here are a few of our favorites:
—The Lone Ranger
—any name starting with “The”
—Billy Bob, Anna Nicole (basically, stay away from multiple first names)
—Moon, Dolphin, Starlight-Fairylover (hippies, you’re ruining everything!)
—any name with “Queen” anywhere in it
—Bush, Dick, Colin or Condoleezza
Respond: firstname.lastname@example.org to top