June 12-18, 2008editorial@boulderweekly.comEuropeans look forward to less BushThe Associated Press reports this week that Europeans are in a better mood these days simply because they’re anticipating the end of the Bush administration.
“Anti-Bush sentiment still runs high on the streets, though that is being mollified by Europeans’ excitement about the race for Bush’s successor,” the AP reports.
You know a president really sucks when his abysmal performance in office puts an entire continent in need of Xanax.
But let’s hope Europeans aren’t emerging from their eight-year-long bout of depression too soon. After all, there’s a chance that McCain could win.
“No way!” you say. “That can’t happen!”
That’s what we said in 2004 — and look how that nightmare ended. Despite a record of war mongering, deception, war profiteering and eroding our civil liberties, George W was actually allowed to return to the White House instead of being hauled off to the Big House.
Indeed, polls show Obama running a tight race with McCain, who promises to keep the United States tied up in Iraq indefinitely, as if the answer to our national woes is perpetual warfare.
Europeans should remember the words of the late Winston Churchill, who famously said, “You can always count on Americans to do the right thing — after they’ve tried everything else.”
If those poll results are accurate, a large percentage of Americans still have options for fucking up that they’re eager to try.
Wait for it…Hold the phone — the iPhone that is. On Monday, June 9, Apple unveiled its latest version of the coveted iPhone. The phone will be available for public sale on July 11 with a list of new features, including a 3G connection speed, GPS navigation and business synchs for contact information and e-mails. In other words, it’s supposed to be iAwesome!
But don’t rush out there to grab one just yet. Apple has an uncanny ability to come out with a better version of a product almost immediately after you’ve purchased the old newest version. And that shit gets iExpensive. As soon as you think your new iPod is the best MP3 player ever, it’s surpassed the next month when it comes out in chartreuse. And that new laptop you traded your first-born for? Its RAM will be surpassed by the next Super-PowerBook. So before you fall to your knees before the Apple empire, basking in the light of its latest gadget, you might want to hold off for round three. Take the time to consider a few of the features that are already in store for iPhone’s next generation:
—Updated predictive text that has an Orwellian ability to complete your next two sentences
—A tracking device that tells you where Donald Trump’s toupee is at all times
—A navigational system that allows you to find a Starbucks in your local neighborhood
—A calendar that tells you when the zombie apocalypse is coming
—Access to a 24-hour webcam of Steve Jobs’ Amazing Money Machine
—Auto updates to tell you what new features will be on the next iPhone
Who’s next? Garrison Keillor? Step aside, California. You’re not the only state that can dish out celebrity politicians. Long famous for its land of 10,000 lakes, cold winters and logging industry, Minnesota is increasingly looked upon for its eclectic residents, who always seem to be running for an office of some sort. Hell, a professional wrestler was able to become the state’s governor. Jesse “The Body” Ventura left his life of feather boas, spandex and body slams to serve Minnesotans in a suit and tie.
Traditionally, there has been only one prerequisite for becoming a celeb-governor in America: you had to be in the movie Predator. Ventura and Schwarzeneggar both followed this tried-and-true method, but now there’s a new contender in town, and he’s doing things his own way.
Al Franken wasn’t in Predator, but he definitely has been preying on neo-cons for several decades. A television and radio personality probably best known for his career on Saturday Night Live, Franken is running for Senate. After securing the Minnesotan Democratic nomination by a large majority of votes, Franken is charging his way toward political change in Washington. And, even though he may be a celeb, we here at B-dub have faith in his future success. After all, he’s good enough, smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like him!
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