May 22-28, 2008
editorial@boulderweekly.com

Vatican OKs space aliens
It sounds like a faux headline from The Onion, but it’s true. Last week the Vatican went on the record about space aliens, letting the world’s millions of Roman Catholics know that it’s OK to believe in little green men.

“This is not in contradiction with our faith, because we cannot establish limits on God,” Fr. Jose Gabriel Funes told L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican daily. “Just as there is a multiplicity of creatures over the earth, so there could be other beings, even intelligent, created by God.”

Funes went so far as to say that if space aliens were sinners, Jesus would have died for their sins, too.

“Jesus became man once and for all. The Incarnation is a single and unique event. So I am sure that also they, in some way, would have the chance to enjoy God’s mercy, just as it has happened with us human beings,” Funes told the paper.

The news no doubt came as a huge relief for Catholic Trekkies, who no longer have to worry that dressing up as war-like Klingons or
soulless Borg or even money-hungry Ferengi will earn them time in the seventh circle of hell. It’s also good news for believers who are obsessed with Area 51, because they now have at least some level of papal backing for their conspiracy theories. And let’s not forget the faithful whose online identities are things like, “Spayse Chick” and “GalaxyKwester.”

Though space aliens might find it speciesist and therefore offensive, we have to give props to the Vatican for recognizing the “humanity” of beings we’re not even sure exist — yet.

Dyed poodle vs. dead kitten
On Dec. 11 of last year, Charles Corwin came into a little trouble with the law when he was accused of killing a kitten by bashing its head against a bookcase and then throwing the lifeless body through the cat door. He confessed to police that he bludgeoned the kitty after it chewed a hole through his wife’s oxygen-pump tube. I’m sure we can all understand that. It seems like a natural urge to purchase a small creature that, like all small creatures, gnaws on any nearby item available, and then kill it for doing just that.

But, sarcasm aside, what we actually don’t understand is the recent decision by the Boulder County Court system regarding the terms of Corwin’s sentence. During a May 15 hearing to outline the exact terms and conditions of his deferred sentence, Corwin requested that he be able to keep three cats, four kittens and one dog at his home as a comfort to his ailing wife. Like most reasonable people, the judge felt that the home of a kitten killer is not the best place for kittens. Well, sort of.

Though Corwin was advised to undergo a mental-health evaluation, lay off drugs and alcohol, and to generally not kill small, defenseless baby animals, he was also granted the right to keep two of his animals. The court stipulated that Corwin must remove all animals from his home, except for one cat and one dog.

Except? What did these two remaining prisoners do to deserve that? Apparently the same city that thinks its abusive to dye your poodle with beet juice deems it legitimate for a kitty killer to keep animals. It’s time for our city’s version of animal control to take a trip to the pound.

The not-so-OK corral
It was high noon at Mamacitas Restaurante Y Cantina on Sat., May 17. A showdown took place between Harvey Epstein (co-owner of Mamacitas) and Casey Dane (a Colorado Security Services guard). The two men had a disagreement, chose their weapons and then proceeded to Taser the ever-loving shit out of each other.

The dispute was over a boot, of course. What else would two gunslingers fight about? However, this boot was not of the podiatric variety. It was one of those annoying, orange locks that they put on the tire of your car when you park it in the wrong spot. Apparently, Dane was supervising the implementation of a boot on a mini-van that belonged to a Mamacitas employee, but Epstein preferred that the mini-van remain boot-less. That’s when both men reached for their Tasers at the same time, and the air was filled with electricity and the smell scorched human flesh.

The (real) cops were called, and Epstein was arrested on suspicion of felony menacing and use of a stun gun. However, so far no action has been taken against Dane or the other CSS guard on the scene, Robert Streiff. These men are not official public law enforcement officers or members of the National Guard; they’re just two random dudes who work for a private company. They can’t go around Tasering citizens just because they have blue polo shirts and cars with flashing lights on top. There’s no reason for Epstein to be arrested and Dane to get off scot-free. The whole situation is just stunning.

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