May 1-7, 2008
editorial@boulderweekly.com

White dress, black belt
Every little girl has a perfect vision of her future wedding day in mind. She pictures herself in a beautiful white dress with all eyes on her. As that little girl gets older, she starts imagining her wedding night, giggling with her girlfriends about what it might be like — how romantic that one night will be. Then, the day comes when she meets that one special guy and all those dreams of her girlhood start flooding back. Until finally, he pops the question.

Only for Christa Vattimo and David W. Wielechowski, their wedding experience wasn’t quite the perfect picture of “every little girl’s dream.” First of all, they eloped to the Bahamas, which might not be the picture she had in mind for that special day, but still, it’s the Bahamas. Can’t really complain too much about that.

So then, a month after the “I do’s,” they said them again at a reception for their friends and family to help celebrate their union. OK, this seems right. You know, everyone gets all liquored up and happy and pretends like “I do” really does mean forever.

But this is where things really started to go wrong: The dude kicks her. And we’re not talking a little love tap here; he actually knocked his new bride to the floor with a karate kick in the hallway of the Holiday Inn. That’s right, a karate kick.

A couple from a different wedding party happened to be nearby, and they came to her aid. But instead of accepting their assistance — get this — she started throwing metal planters at them. Her husband, thinking it was a good idea, joined in.

By the time police arrived, the skirmish had moved from the seventh floor hallway to an elevator to the lobby of the hotel. The husband was lying on the floor of the lobby, and the bride was screaming. They spent the night in jail, he in his tux, she in her big white dress, and now face charges of simple assault, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct. Oh yeah, and the wife gets an additional charge of public intoxication.

So take this as a lesson, little girls. Don’t have such high hopes for your wedding day. You’ll probably just be disappointed. And maybe even karate kicked.  

Return of Mounty
Boulder police reported that a mountain lion had been hanging around the 900 block of 9th Street on April 28. This lion, who prefers to go by “Mounty,” was feasting on a dead raccoon when the Colorado Division of Wildlife were called in to assess the scene and rid the area of the feline. Since CDW officers were busy responding to another situation, they asked Boulder police to get rid of Mounty… by shooting him with bean bags. So before making it over to The Hill, the lion-catchers decided to make a pit-stop at Williams Village to pick up some cushy-but-space-conserving weapons.

Three shots later, Mounty finally left the scene, irritated and hungry. Boulder police wiped their brows, went back to the dorms to return the bean bags and back-up black-light posters.

But a hungry Mounty cannot be easily thwarted. He returned three hours later, knowing his human adversaries would be busy with other serious investigative work. Happily, he resumed munching on his dinner. After abandoning the area again, Boulder police, in a very well-planned effort, removed the partially eaten raccoon. But though they thought they had fooled their enemy, Mounty returned again the next morning.

Boulder police spokesperson Sarah Huntley described the mountain lion as “persistent,” noting that he remained infatuated with his meal despite all the flashlights and people that were nearby.

But when we looked at Mounty’s eHarmony profile, we found a few other personality traits that we thought were of import. Turns out he’s quite needy, always wanting to cuddle and have positive reinforcement for his actions. “You did an excellent job devouring that raccoon carcass,” his ideal mate should praise nightly.  So, yeah, we guess you could call him persistent, since he’s always fishing for compliments and acting competitive… oh, and because he’s a mountain lion. Persistence is kind of an important quality for wild animals to have.

Mounty’s ability to irritate residents and police (not to mention seatless dorm students) might actually be the same reason he can’t get a date — that persistent Type-A personality.

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